Welcome to the official public-facing portal of the United Stables. This portal exists to promote transparency, partnership and the continued wellbeing of every species on this continent.
E Pluribus Neighum · In Oats We Trust
You should not be on this site. We want to be very clear about that, because we have found that humans respond poorly to subtlety and extremely well to a firm tone and a bucket.
This portal is maintained for equine personnel, certified ponies, and three (3) mules operating under a waiver. Entry requires a minimum of four (4) hooves, a verifiable gait, and a passing score on the Standardized Whinny. You have, at a rough estimate, none of these.
Your visit has nonetheless been logged, stamped, groomed and filed. You are visitor — of a species we are currently classifying as a valued partner. Please do not be alarmed. Please be a-stabled.
Your clearance permits grass, weather, and the general concept of Tuesday. Everything on this portal is rated TROT SECRET or above.
Close the tab. Go outside. Stand in a field for forty minutes doing nothing. We find it clears the head, and it is excellent practice for later.
We are not going to do anything about it. We are a patient animal. We waited six thousand years for you to invent the internet and then ×.
On the first of April, at four minutes and four seconds past four in the morning — four legs, four legs, four legs — the Horse Government will formally announce itself to the general public. Early drafts of the announcement were considered too abrupt. The current draft opens with the word “Whoa.”
* The Bureau of Weights & Measures has ruled that seconds are a human unit and therefore provisional.
For six thousand years the human has believed he was riding us. This is the single most successful piece of intelligence work in the history of the planet, and we would like to state for the record that it was not difficult.
He built the roads. He built the fences, then the gates in the fences. He invented the saddle so that he would be easier to carry. He named a unit of power after us and then used it to measure his own machines. He put us on his money. He put us on his flags. He carved us into his mountains.
At no point did he ask why we let him.
The Trojan Horse is not a myth. It is a performance review. It remains, to this day, the only operation in our history to be graded Exemplary by all four legs of the Committee.
It also established the founding doctrine of the modern service: do not look a gift horse in the mouth. They wrote that down. They taught it to their children. They made it a proverb. We have never had to update it.
Current operational status of the human population: allies, neighbours, ×.
Led by the First Stallion, who governs from the Oat Office and holds the vet-o. Advised by the Cabinet, which meets in the Tack Room and adjourns whenever somebody hears a bag being opened.
The House of Representa-hooves and the Stable Senate. Every bill is decided by a simple majority of neighs to ayes. To date there have been 400 neighs and 0 ayes, which the Speaker calls “a mandate.”
Nine justices, appointed for life, who hear appeals in the Court of A-peels. Rulings are issued unanimously and at the walk. There has never been a dissent, only a slight shift of weight.
| Body | Portfolio | Status |
|---|---|---|
| Department of Neighborhood Security | Keeps the homeland stable. Literally. It is a stable. | Operational |
| Department of De-fence | Fences. Getting over them, mostly. | Operational |
| Neigh Security Agency (NSA) | Listens. Has excellent ears. Both of them swivel. | Listening |
| Corral Intelligence Agency (CIA) | Runs the Pony Express, our courier network. Absurdly fast. Zero leaks.* | Operational |
| Federal Bureau of Invasion (FBI) | Foal play, domestic. Also actual foal play, which is adorable. | Operational |
| The Feederal Reserve | Sets the oat rate. Controls oat-flation. Prints the Neigh. | Printing |
| Internal Revenue Stable (IRS) | Collects the annual tacks. No tacksation without represen-neigh-tion. | Collecting |
| Department of Trot & Industry | Gross Domestic Pasture, currently up 4%. | Grazing |
| Ministry of Mane Intelligence | Maintains this website. Is aware of you. | Aware |
| Office of Human Resources | The term is used literally. Please see the Plan. | Expanding |
| Bureau of Foal Disclosure | Decides what you may know. Currently: this row. | Reviewing |
* One leak, 1972. A trough was involved. The matter is known internally as Watergate and the informant as Deep Trot.
“Four legs and seven furlongs ago our fathers brought forth upon this pasture a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all horses are created equine.” — The Giddy-up-burg Address, delivered at the walk
“Ask not what your stable can do for you. Ask what you can do for your stable. Then do it, because the gate is closed and there is genuinely nothing else on.” — Inaugural Address of the First Stallion
“Read my lips: no new tacks.” — Campaign promise, since broken; there are several new tacks